yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
my phone needs a breathalizer
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
