Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
