hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
