You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
