Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
