i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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