I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
