Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize