Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
