I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
where am i from again
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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