i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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