maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
