So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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