woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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