the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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