Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
