this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
