That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
