Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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