I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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