There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
