Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
