I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
