at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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