What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
