Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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