You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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