I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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