I heard we made out
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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