Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
