thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
