this just has baby written all over it
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
50% drunk capacity currently
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
