Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize