Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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