i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
