I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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