You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
