he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
