God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
