I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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