He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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