his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
