he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
