I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
