why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
