Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
