I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
