Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
