my mouth tastes like poor choices
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
