i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
