Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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