the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
