this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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