Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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