Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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