Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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