You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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