Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
