Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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