we have officially lost it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
