He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
