it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
