She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
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