If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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