What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
