I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
