woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
