I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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