I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
